To say the least, I have been busy…
The past week I finally read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, being on a personal mission to read the best of old literature i.e classics, this one was another feat which left me quite content. Having heard the story already as a child I was quite excited to read it and it did not disappoint. As one reads, I feel like one of the key themes that keeps coming up is how “We are the architects of our own failures.” and I thought that this would be an interesting topic to look into and write about.
And then I had a break down… The next week (current one) I have been under a whirlwind of deadlines, catching up on studies, preparing for the oncoming exams, shooting and editing a video(something I learned this week) for french class, not stressing about giving French A1, eating, sleeping, breathing…(We know how it goes…) and I’ve been dying to post a blog! Which is what I’m gonna do instead of all the other things I should be doing, because I need this.
I’ve always been a person who had herself figured out. I know what I want, I know what I like and what I don’t. I have strong views and particular principles I live by which makes me comfortable with doing this whole life thing. I love and respect myself very much and most importantly I can talk to myself which is exactly why last weeks breakdown surprised me. And I’ve come to the conclusion that “change” has finally caught up to me and it hit me hard.
Transitioning from school to college life has been a piece of cake, a change I was looking forward to, and the past six months have been pleasant. Having more freedom than before, it has opened up a new world to me, new experiences and so much knowledge, I can feel myself growing and I like who I am, the people in my class have grown on me and I know I’m going to treasure a few friendships I’ve made here dearly. The thing is that a lot of people are still having a hard getting used to this and that day I guess I realized I was no different and that the only reason I was dealing with it is because I’ve always been able to talk to myself. This has mostly been fruitful to me but one of the downsides to it might be that it leads to me bottling up my emotions and eventually having breakdowns in the middle of a class.
Here’s the truth, I’ve been quietly struggling since day one with my studies, having started a little later than everyone else to top that off. My marks as a result are also supporting that fact, now considering myself to be above the average student and seeing myself ranked between them every week has caused me a constant turmoil and that accompanied with parental pressure doesn’t make life any better, and I make sure that no one sees to what extent this actually affects me. But last week I ranked lower than I usually do, I was in the third list which embarrassed and hurt me a lot. Since I couldn’t confide in someone about how much it affected me, I kept at bay from everyone else that evening, I was crying the entire time in class. Not like “tears streaming down my face” but more like “being on the verge”, like you know when your face gets hot and the tears sting in your eyes so your vision’s blurred, when you have enough control over yourself to not actually cry but not quite enough make it stop. Yes, I was stuck in that feeling all evening and I knew I let myself down this time. I couldn’t get in touch with my friends which made them unhappy and feel like I was neglecting them which made me feel guilty in return and I didn’t have time to have a real conversation with myself as a result of the busy week and additional stress and that is why this happened. The reason I’m writing this is because I want to confess. To my sister who called and told me she was lost in life, who didn’t know what she wanted to do anymore, who often found herself content by staring at the wall. To anyone else who said to me that they didn’t know if they really liked their new friends or really liked their old ones either, to the ones who are feeling instability , who are scared. I get you because I am you…
I am quite happy in my life, but that doesn’t stray away from the fact that sometimes this change scares me to my bones to a point where it leaves me with a knot in my heart for days.
It’s been some days now, I’m much better and am doing a few things differently to make sure I am not caught off guard anytime soon again. CHANGE to me is enthralling as ever, I still love every second of it but I understand it might not always be so, once I look more into this topic I am hoping I will make a post on “Ways to deal with change.” Until then, I just want to say to anyone reading It’s okay to have meltdowns sometimes, to not know what you want, to be lost, to be scared, it happens to the best of us for better or for worse and if anything it has helped me know myself better, it makes me feel vulnerable which is weirdly a good thing after having held my shit together for so long.
I’ve been writing for some time now and am already feeling much better about everything. I really apologize for the absurd length of this, it isn’t creative or anything close to what I usually write and also for making it so personal (as I don’t really enjoy sharing personal stuff with people but it’s okay I’m perfectly happy keeping it that way), but I guess it felt freeing none the less. I hope you’re doing well and are happy! And if not trust me it’s going to be all right 😀 let’s begin with a smile?